


I'm Still Here

by Seblainer



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Points of View, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-22
Updated: 2007-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 15:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12797055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seblainer/pseuds/Seblainer
Summary: Brian thinks about his life in the past, since Justin is no longer a part of his present of future.





	I'm Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

  
Author's notes: Lyrics by Vertical Horizon.  


* * *

Brian’s POV

 

I watched as he walked away, the final nail in my coffin. Everyone told him to be careful, that I would only hurt him, and I have many times. Sure, he forgave me for a lot of bullshit. But there are just some things that can’t be forgiven.

 

I watched as he walked away with his new boyfriend, which I’d known about long before Michael ever told me. I knew there was someone else, for a long time. It took having Michael find out what was going on, for me to push Justin off one of my famous cliffs.

 

So I fucked the actor who played Rage, at the rage party. It was a sign. Just like when I said, “Go take a shower, you stink.” That was my way of telling Justin, I knew he was cheating, and that things were over between the two of us.

 

Everyone always thought that Justin would be the one to get hurt the most. Some might say he has been hurt the most, but I doubt it. I hurt every time I look at Justin, knowing that he will never remember the best part of ‘the greatest night of his life.’ 

 

He only remembers the bat coming at him, and me yelling out his name to warm him. I hurt when I remember that he’s just a kid, and needs to go out and experience everything life has to offer. I hurt when I remember Justin said that he could read me.

 

Well, he’s lost the ability to read me now, so Justin had left me for something better. He left me for picnics on the floor and pretty words. I remember him saying that he didn’t want me to change, and that he never expected me to do so.

 

It hurt to hear him saying that. I can change. I just didn’t want to. Part of me wants to ask him, why in the time right before the fiddler entered the picture, he quit saying, ‘I love you,’ to me. I think that’s when I fully realized that things were over.

 

Then a lot of other things happened, and Justin has gone to New York. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, and I know why. I went to see Justin in New York a year ago, only to find that he has once again moved on.

 

I sit here in the loft, drunk as hell. The only thing that I can think is I’m still here. After everything that has happened, I know that I would still take Justin back. It would take a while, but apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. I know why Justin left me this final time. It’s because he was right, I won’t give him what he wants.

 

I have no idea where Justin is now. I heard from Emmett that he moved, but I have no idea where to. It’s not like it matters anymore, anyway. We are nothing to each other anymore. It just hurts to think that I’m still here.

 

I find myself still waiting for him, even though I know that it’s ridiculous. Justin and I are over. We don’t talk to, or see each other anymore, and Justin no longer has any contact with the family since Debbie died last year. I hate myself for pushing Justin to go to New York now.

 

But I did it for him. I sacrificed our love and my happiness for his. I know that I’m not the nicest or most giving guy in the world. But I did this to myself. I sent Justin off to paint and become the best homosexual that he could possibly be, and he has. 

 

I just didn’t think it would hurt so much. But it does. It feels like someone took my heart, ripped it from my chest, and stomped on it, until it broke into a million pieces. We still have family dinners, deciding to carry on the tradition in Debbie’s honor.

 

Justin has come to one family dinner in the last two years. It was when we got to meet his new man. I was there, but I quickly left, as soon as he and his new boyfriend showed up. The guy is gorgeous and smart as fuck. He’s just what Sunshine needs, and I hate myself for not being able to be what he needs, which is why I’m still here, living my life alone.

 

 

_The cities grow,_

_The rivers flow,_

_Where you are, I'll never know,_

_But I'm still here._

_If you were right and I was wrong,_

_Why are you the one who's gone?_

_And I'm still here._

_The lights go out, the bridges burn,_

_Once you're gone, you can't return._

_But I'm still here._

_Remember how you used to say, I'd be the one to run away?_

_But I'm still here._


End file.
